6 months in: Motherhood

 So, I’ve been one of those inconsistent bloggers for whom life gets in the way, and then things will bubble up again and I’ll write. 
But is it interesting enough to share?
Do I want to be that vulnerable and real for a bunch of internet strangers? 
Heck, do people even blog anymore? 

But y’all, motherhood seems to be compelling me. 
I don’t doubt that the internet is full of posts like this one- full of the thoughts of first time mamas on the other side of the fourth trimester- talking about how we don’t talk about it enough. 
Talking about how sometimes in the midst of the struggle to keep a tiny human alive we can lose bits of ourselves. In this photo, our little one had been fussing and crying and didn't seem to want to be anywhere other than my shoulder.  But I was exhausted too- She'd been up most of the night before and I still wasn't used to being back at work. 

It’s not all easy, or pretty. Not every moment is the snuggling sweetness of newborn photos. There is sleeplessness and worry. There are tears and dirty diapers and endless choices that all seem to be of the utmost importance. 
There is time that continues to march on, days that pass slowly and weeks that fly by. 
In those first three months of this new life, it seems we are always trying to catch up when one thing or another changes as these tiny wonders we are entrusted with begin to show signs that they have opinions and preferences. That they are, indeed, little people. 
And while we are trying to figure them out, we have to figure out the new facets of ourselves given to us by motherhood. And maybe sleep. Or there’s the perpetual laundry pile and the endless list of chores that won’t do themselves.  And in the midst of all of that, it’s so easy to lose ourselves. 

But the thing about that is that it doesn’t do anybody much good. Our kids grow up seeing us as mamas and not as people. We grow tired of ourselves and lose touch with our friends, our passions- and you deserve better.

The best piece of advice I got about parenting was to keep the things I loved before having children in my life on a regular basis: not to lose track of my passions and hobbies. 

It’s taken me 6 months to listen but I’m sooo glad I did- after a month (how has it been seven months since she was born?!) I can see a difference in myself in the best way.  

At the end and at the beginning

I'm expecting my due date to come and go this week, leaving behind no baby.
And in this strange, in between place, I am very okay with that.

People keep asking if I'm ready- and then they're surprised when I just shrug. 
Yes, we have a car seat to get baby home in, and a cosleeper for our room. 
Yes, there are a ton of tiny onesies and blankets and diapers all washed and ready to go. 
Yes, there are preachers lined up for every week of my maternity leave, and plans made with friends to soak up the time before there will be a carseat in tow.  
We took amazing pictures to throw business in the direction of an incredibly talented friend, and because it's been a couple years since we had photos done- and to capture some final moments of the two of us before we are a family of three.  

But I don't squee. I look for sales because tiny little things they'll outgrow in a few weeks shouldn't cost that much- and there are too many amazing, pre-loved and pre-worn things in the world already.  I stare in awe at how tiny the little human who will wear those clothes will be.  And I wonder in amazement at how fast a little being has grown to reach such a size from cells nestled in this body:  Proof, if ever I needed it, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  

I don't gush. I grouch because I haven't slept more than a couple hours at a time in months, and there is a part of me that knows that there are late nights and early mornings to come.  I will join the legion of those holding the office of the night watch as a daily marker of the rhythm of life and prayer.  

Nursery? Hah! How about the boxes still filling up the rest of the house because we moved 9 weeks ago, at the beginning of the adventure known as the third trimester? Without the hands of friends and family there would be so many more- and making space to invite in more friends and family so that we might share in gratitude and wonder makes more sense for us.  

So much is going to change, and I wish more people were okay with me not gushing about how hard pieces of this giant thing that comes in a tiny bundle are going to be- I wish there were more spaces where the realities of motherhood were spoken of- and embraced.  It's a magical time, yes- but to go without acknowledging that it is joy and pain- a beautiful beginning for our family of three and a bittersweet ending to the earliest chapter of our life together is to somehow reduce this miracle to something commonplace.  And that's not what I want at the end and at the beginning.  

August 1, 2017

In a month, I could be a mom.
Either I will have had this little one, or I will really want to have had this little one.
And I'm realizing that in this last month of our family of 2, there are so many things I still want to do.

Get pictures taken.
Get boxes unpacked.
Go on a real date- like, a nice meal.
Make good habits- have a routine.
Plan November and December's sermons.

And there are so many things- so many lists- of things we HAVE to do.

Find one last maternity leave preacher.
Finish the book for maternity leave.
Buy a carseat/crib mattress/all the things a baby will need right away
(but boy do we have clothes covered!)
Wash the diapers
Freezer prep more meals

And it's exciting, and it's terrifying.

And what I wanted to write down today, so that I remember it tomorrow and for days and weeks and months to come, is that while yes- life will change because of this child, it will not end.  We will go on dates.  We will make good habits- and bad ones too.  We will pack and unpack- we will do tons of laundry.

We will, and then some.

What a difference a year makes

May 2017:

I wrote a garden report about a year ago, and in the last 11 months and change:

I moved around my sewing room, for the umpteenth time.
We put in new beds on the front of the house, purely for the love of flowers.


I completed a whole year of preaching.  And Jon did too- and we got into a groove of being a preaching couple, passing like ships in the night on Sundays, between the insanity of Sunday morning and seeking blissful quiet after days full of people.
I conducted my first full funeral.  And my second.  And my third.
I picked the first zucchini I grew from seeds, and the first butternut.  Both were delicious.

There have been ups and downs, purchases and purges, mountain snowfalls and waves rolling in on the beach.  Thunderstorms have lulled me to sleep... and lately, little nudges from inside have woken me up.

Wonder doesn't begin to describe it- making the choice to be parents... anxiously waiting for a positive test, and finding out something has taken root in me, no bigger than a poppyseed- and that in that tiny thing we could find hope enough for a lifetime.

Hearing an impossibly fast heartbeat, seeing a blob on a screen, watching my body and the blob both change and grow...  Seeing a sweet profile, and seeing my own profile swell and round as winter turned to spring and the promise of new life in the world meant something entirely different- as the hope of ressurection and the breadth of possibilities offered to us by our creator took on new wonder.

This time last year, our lives looked very different- and this time next year, they will be different still- Jon will be serving a new church.  We have three weeks left in this house, with this garden.  And three months left as a family of 2-plus-dog.

I want to write more- to stretch these muscles- and I have said it before, and I'll probably say it again. Time will get away from me again, but maybe not another year.

May Garden Report

Why yes, I DID pretty much spend March and April garden time without a camera.

 But there was much kale, and much seed starting(ALL THE SEEDS!), and more hours of digging out new beds from grass than I care to count.  But we have a new veggie raised bed, a butterfly garden, and we got to surround the trees in the church yard with little beds too.  The photo at right (from early in May) may not look like much, but things have been happening!! The peach trees have both leafed out- no buds though- and it's been so fun to watch all these little things get comparatively HUGE!

We're experiencing the beauty of my grandmother's garden in queen Anne's lace from the same stock as her wedding bouquet, fennel to feed caterpillars, and in coreopsis that the church kids love to pick.  Sunflowers and zinnia seeds have poked their heads up,  and they are going to be beauties come July and August.

We'll continue to enjoy the chard and spinach starts as they grow into the new salad bed I have hiding out in the closest thing I could call shade... And yes, that is another pallet hack, which I will have to actually take a picture of soon.

But May is past, and my oh my, was it delicious. Along with our greens and the first of the carrots that started as seeds, we have gotten to experience the bounty of other gardens.

 The people we are blessed to serve in our little Southern town are generous with the fruits of their gardens, y'all.  We knew that last year when, within a couple of weeks, we had a little it of everything in season, but we are seeing it again with the new goodies of the Spring, and then there's the fact that I haven't had to buy eggs from the store more than 3 or 4 times in 6 months even though we eat a dozen or so a week.  So far this Spring we have enjoyed Vidalia onions, new potatoes, corn and all the yellow squash we can eat.

Did I mention strawberries? It seems the squirrels got most of ours, but Copeland Farms came to the rescue.   As May gives way to June, we have the bounty of green beans coming in, and I'm thinking our zucchini will make its appearance soon.


And a lovely surprise... Our Early Girl Tomatoes came in May's final days with our first taste of summer heat.
However, something else got to enjoy the first tomato before we had a chance.  I wasn't happy, but you know, birds(that's our guess) have to eat, too.  We've had plenty of tomatoes even without the couple bites they stole.
 Summer is stretching out before us in crazy calendars, family vacations, even more tomatoes to come, and what I hope will be a season of enjoying the slowed-down pace and the lullaby of frogs and crickets as we sit out with citronella candles and eat fresh, lovely, local foods from the garden and our grill.

More soon, but if not, you know where to find me.  Playing in the dirt.


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February Garden Report

Well, THINGS ARE HAPPENING!

We found a greenhouse-seed-starting-tower-thingy at 60% off just after our move to the country, and I put it together just after the last post in anticipation of being able to start seedlings on our porch- the weather was relatively mild through January and it seemed the thing to do.
After all, I went to my first seed swap and learned how to make things like paper pots and seed paper.  It was knowledge meant to be used, right?
RIGHT??!
And so I did.  Paper pots were duly made of old newsprint and filled with seed starter, placed into carefully labeled trays, and I felt like a champ, and waited to see what would come up...
But February was WINDY.
And this happened... Twice.

So February ended with no seedlings, but with bungee cords holding the greenhouse down, and with a gleeful purchase of window box hangers, strawberry plants, and collard green plants.

Growing space plans expanded and buckets once used to hold cow vitamin/mineral supplements became lovely, wonderful painted vessels of hope- with holes drilled for drainage they're painted and ready to be a couple potato buckets, a spot for peas, and all-around extra space.

March is going to kick it into high gear... bolstered by how yummy the broccoli we GREW was when we ate it this month.

January Garden Report

Following through on the resolution Jon and I made to localize, I've been digging in to a few great books, and poring over the seed catalog.
I'm going to a Seed Swap on Saturday and can't believe how exciting the prospect of meeting other locavores is... I'm not under the illusion that I have a whole lot to offer, but I'm very much looking forward to being a sponge in this group of folks!

And I did plant some seeds.... Parsnips and greens(swiss chard, spinach, and a spring-mix-type-blend).  Broccoli and kale are growing away, and the new addition to the deck garden(pictures soon- lots of new additions to the deck garden!)? A dear friend gave me walking onions as a gift for my ordination.

Hopefully, this time next month will see potato towers, onions and garlic all planted, and radishes and carrots moving right along... Looking forward to re-working the deck plants and having more useable outdoor space... mild temperatures through 3 seasons almost make summer worth it.

The List

Have you heard of and/or participated in Apartment Therapy's January Cure?

It's a really comprehensive refresher for home and habits.  They released the calendar today, and go into some depth in posts to unpack the assignments in posts throughout the month.

We are January Cure-ing at our house... and today's assignment was to make a list, which reminds me a lot of making a William Morris Master List... Remember this one from my tiny apartment?

And it occurred to me I have not made a wish list/master list for this house...even though we have lived here for 6 months!  I've already figured out this will be a loooong post- but you're welcome to read on!

So here goes nothing:

Kitchen:
Elbow Grease
     -Refinish top of kitchen table- it's raw wood now.
     -Murphy's Oil Soap/deep clean all cabinetry
     -Do a cost analysis for new cabinet/drawer pulls, pick out new ones
     -Deep clean fridge
     -Clean up amount of stuff on outside of fridge
     -pantry organizing
     -windows
     -scrub out recycling and trash bins
     -repaint wall in pantry, put up already-purchased mop hooks
     -deep clean sink
     -evaluate and disperse constantly-on-the-counter things
     -use the backlogged supplies and reupholster the kitchen table chairs already!
Little Expense
     -clean/dirty magnet for dishwasher
     -light/outlet plates replaced
     -new floor mat for in front of sink
     -new dishtowels
If it were our house/BIG projects
     -Replace countertops
     -Put up cookbook/serving piece shelving over doorway

Living Room:
Elbow Grease
     -dust blinds
     -update photos on walls, put old ones into albums/scrapbook spreads
     -repot house plants in need
     -improve landing strip function/capabilities... Add one more crate for shoes/bags, anchor system better
Little Expense
     -new winter/non-Christmas wreath
     -Pillow forms for wingback
     -new baskets for under coffee table that match and function a little better
BIG projects
     -reupholster wingback chairs(supplies already purchased, courage being gathered...)
     -paint the blank canvas on the wall with something great
     -Find a cabinet to go on wall by the door

Studio:
Elbow Grease
     -Get to the floors and deep clean them- rugs outside, beaten out, mopping before replacing.
     -Catalog all un-catalogged fabric, put on board bolts, and find more shelving for it
     -Unpack boxes not touched since move
     -Mount rail system on wall by ironing board
     -Organize steamer trunk
     -pack up books that need to go to the office
     -Organize patterns... Possibly in reinvented steamer trunk?
     -Cull UFOs(UnFinished Objects, usually referring to things one will never finish)
     -Set deadlines for WIPs(Works-In-Progress, which one has not given up hope on).
Little Expense
     -Trashcan
     -extra buckets for rail system(IKEA trip)
     -Phone dock for podcast playing
     -New dry erase board
     -new drawer pulls(need 8)
Big Projects
     -Run shelving over doors on wall to expand open storage of books/projects
     -Recover ironing board
     -refurbish Nana's serger and find it a home

Downstairs Bath:
Elbow Grease
     -get Sharpie stain out of shower curtain
     -touch up paint
     -scrub mirror cabinet and doorknobs
Little Expense
New plunger/toilet brush with caddy
new towel bars and hooks

Study/Library
Elbow Grease
     -throughly vacuum the dog's favorite chair
     -make bill paying drawer more organized and useful
     -attack the catch-all closet; store Christmas decor and party supplies there
     -find way to incorporate personal photos/travel mementos
Little Expense
     -new knobs for desk
     -a couple frames
     -a folio for bills/tax information
     -door hooks for clergy robes and visitor jackets

Mudroom/Laundry
Elbow Grease
     -Fix the paint
     -hang up the hooks
     -Paint the laundry cabinets
     -re-organize laundry cabinets to serve as party supply HQ
     -hang indoor drying line
Little Expense
     -Replace laundry cabinet hardware
     -extend shelving to doorway
     -replace blinds on back door with curtain
     -replace switch/outlet plates
     -new door mat
Big Projects
     -Make dog bed: Inside zippered sack to fill with scraps/outside shells
     -install easy-to-pop-out yet sturdy shelf above washer and dryer
     -workbench for canning jar storage and other equipment with ability to double as prep space
     -winter storage for potatoes, onions, sweet potatoes, and hard squash

...And moving upstairs:

Master Bedroom
Elbow Grease
     -Put all the laundry away and KEEP IT THAT WAY
     -move the things that belong in the attic back into the attic
     -repot the succulent planter
     -clean big dresser mirror
     -dust. clean and condition all hardwood furniture
     -tidy nightstands
     -take donations to Goodwill
     -flip hangers for January closet
Little Expense
     -Toggle to get house phone out of bedroom
     -box to hide router in
     -trashcans for each side of bed
     -prints for a couple empty frames
     -small footstool for fun blue chair
Big Projects
     -Find a secretary desk for my writing corner
     -find (or build) a nightstand for hubs

Master Bathroom
Elbow Grease
     -rearrange cabinet to hold first aid and medicine
     -Clean mirrors
     -reorganize drawers to corral all the... stuff we use on bathroom counter
Little Expense
     -new towel rails
     -trays to corral counter necessities
     -baskets/bins to organize first aid
     -shelf insert for under sink- check kitchen dept at Ikea
     -plunger/toilet brush holder as in downstairs bath
     -spare toilet roll holder

Upstairs Guest Room
Elbow Grease
     -clean dresser mirror
     -dust, clean, and condition all the antique wood furniture
     -hang tapestry or interesting piece of fabric as headboard
Little Expense
     -tiny nightstand
     -nicer lamp
     -bookends
Big Project
     -patch and paint walls
     -find/build bookshelves
     -reclaim closet

I'll refer back to this post as needed, and attempt to keep it up to date!

Words

There are two words stuck in my head as things I want to strive for in 2016.

Balance.

Localize.

Balance... between work and life, surely.  In 2014 and 2015 the world has been inundated with articles about women who "have it all" or how women will never "have it all".  And I don't intend to list them or weigh the merits of them.
But what I mean when I say balance has everything and nothing to do with having it all.  I want to spend time each day writing, and reading, and being outside... I want to know I have been playing in the dirt(or with food I just took out of the dirt) or moving my body in the sunshine... and I desperately want and need to pursue creative endeavors.
I could draw out pie charts or obsessively schedule, but those things have kept me from the doing in years past, so I won't... I will try out the Pomodoro Method on my mornings.  Cycles of work and breaks could be just the ticket.

Localize... Well, I have Barbera Kingsolver to blame  thank for this kick in the pants.  Have you read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle?  I unabashedly recommend it.  I also want to take miles off of my food because of it.  So we're expanding the garden and diversifying what we're planting... I hope to make all the salsa we eat from June(when tomatoes start really coming in) on, and have good things in our freezer, and on our table, and filling up mason jars for those days when they can't be found local and fresh.  One of the benefits of this point in our lives is having the time to invest in this sort of garden... and it's one of those habits I am so glad to be starting young.  It'll have lasting benefits for our whole lives.
But here's the thing.  We can't grow it all.  And what we can't grow, I want to find in or around my community.  It's a way to put money into the economy in this place where we call home, and, more importantly, connect with the people who bring meat and milk to the table.
So I think we'll be on the winning end... with relationships in the community and a full pantry.

Alright 2016.   I'm coming for you.

Pumpkin: Too late?

Seminole pumpkins have languished in the interim between being Thanksgiving decor and waiting for some higher calling... And I got the itch yesterday.  I turned 4 squash into purees.  Oven on 350 for 55 minutes a round, and now I have something like 8 cups of puree, tidily divided into 1/2 cup servings, waiting in the freezer to become a layer in lasagne, a secret dose of vegetables in mac and cheese or muffins... and seeds.  Some drying for the garden (the plans, ohh the plans...) and most roasting for our tummies.

I took them all for a very through rinse, left them out to dry overnight, rinsed once more, and spread them on a cookie sheet.  Worcestershire sauce, sesame oil, Braggs Aminos, and creole seasoning made these little guys sassy, and then I roasted them at 295 for about 45 minutes... stirring every 15 minutes or so.

Verdict:  Delicious.  Will do this one again.