6 months in: Motherhood

 So, I’ve been one of those inconsistent bloggers for whom life gets in the way, and then things will bubble up again and I’ll write. 
But is it interesting enough to share?
Do I want to be that vulnerable and real for a bunch of internet strangers? 
Heck, do people even blog anymore? 

But y’all, motherhood seems to be compelling me. 
I don’t doubt that the internet is full of posts like this one- full of the thoughts of first time mamas on the other side of the fourth trimester- talking about how we don’t talk about it enough. 
Talking about how sometimes in the midst of the struggle to keep a tiny human alive we can lose bits of ourselves. In this photo, our little one had been fussing and crying and didn't seem to want to be anywhere other than my shoulder.  But I was exhausted too- She'd been up most of the night before and I still wasn't used to being back at work. 

It’s not all easy, or pretty. Not every moment is the snuggling sweetness of newborn photos. There is sleeplessness and worry. There are tears and dirty diapers and endless choices that all seem to be of the utmost importance. 
There is time that continues to march on, days that pass slowly and weeks that fly by. 
In those first three months of this new life, it seems we are always trying to catch up when one thing or another changes as these tiny wonders we are entrusted with begin to show signs that they have opinions and preferences. That they are, indeed, little people. 
And while we are trying to figure them out, we have to figure out the new facets of ourselves given to us by motherhood. And maybe sleep. Or there’s the perpetual laundry pile and the endless list of chores that won’t do themselves.  And in the midst of all of that, it’s so easy to lose ourselves. 

But the thing about that is that it doesn’t do anybody much good. Our kids grow up seeing us as mamas and not as people. We grow tired of ourselves and lose touch with our friends, our passions- and you deserve better.

The best piece of advice I got about parenting was to keep the things I loved before having children in my life on a regular basis: not to lose track of my passions and hobbies. 

It’s taken me 6 months to listen but I’m sooo glad I did- after a month (how has it been seven months since she was born?!) I can see a difference in myself in the best way.  

At the end and at the beginning

I'm expecting my due date to come and go this week, leaving behind no baby.
And in this strange, in between place, I am very okay with that.

People keep asking if I'm ready- and then they're surprised when I just shrug. 
Yes, we have a car seat to get baby home in, and a cosleeper for our room. 
Yes, there are a ton of tiny onesies and blankets and diapers all washed and ready to go. 
Yes, there are preachers lined up for every week of my maternity leave, and plans made with friends to soak up the time before there will be a carseat in tow.  
We took amazing pictures to throw business in the direction of an incredibly talented friend, and because it's been a couple years since we had photos done- and to capture some final moments of the two of us before we are a family of three.  

But I don't squee. I look for sales because tiny little things they'll outgrow in a few weeks shouldn't cost that much- and there are too many amazing, pre-loved and pre-worn things in the world already.  I stare in awe at how tiny the little human who will wear those clothes will be.  And I wonder in amazement at how fast a little being has grown to reach such a size from cells nestled in this body:  Proof, if ever I needed it, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  

I don't gush. I grouch because I haven't slept more than a couple hours at a time in months, and there is a part of me that knows that there are late nights and early mornings to come.  I will join the legion of those holding the office of the night watch as a daily marker of the rhythm of life and prayer.  

Nursery? Hah! How about the boxes still filling up the rest of the house because we moved 9 weeks ago, at the beginning of the adventure known as the third trimester? Without the hands of friends and family there would be so many more- and making space to invite in more friends and family so that we might share in gratitude and wonder makes more sense for us.  

So much is going to change, and I wish more people were okay with me not gushing about how hard pieces of this giant thing that comes in a tiny bundle are going to be- I wish there were more spaces where the realities of motherhood were spoken of- and embraced.  It's a magical time, yes- but to go without acknowledging that it is joy and pain- a beautiful beginning for our family of three and a bittersweet ending to the earliest chapter of our life together is to somehow reduce this miracle to something commonplace.  And that's not what I want at the end and at the beginning.  

August 1, 2017

In a month, I could be a mom.
Either I will have had this little one, or I will really want to have had this little one.
And I'm realizing that in this last month of our family of 2, there are so many things I still want to do.

Get pictures taken.
Get boxes unpacked.
Go on a real date- like, a nice meal.
Make good habits- have a routine.
Plan November and December's sermons.

And there are so many things- so many lists- of things we HAVE to do.

Find one last maternity leave preacher.
Finish the book for maternity leave.
Buy a carseat/crib mattress/all the things a baby will need right away
(but boy do we have clothes covered!)
Wash the diapers
Freezer prep more meals

And it's exciting, and it's terrifying.

And what I wanted to write down today, so that I remember it tomorrow and for days and weeks and months to come, is that while yes- life will change because of this child, it will not end.  We will go on dates.  We will make good habits- and bad ones too.  We will pack and unpack- we will do tons of laundry.

We will, and then some.