At the end and at the beginning

I'm expecting my due date to come and go this week, leaving behind no baby.
And in this strange, in between place, I am very okay with that.

People keep asking if I'm ready- and then they're surprised when I just shrug. 
Yes, we have a car seat to get baby home in, and a cosleeper for our room. 
Yes, there are a ton of tiny onesies and blankets and diapers all washed and ready to go. 
Yes, there are preachers lined up for every week of my maternity leave, and plans made with friends to soak up the time before there will be a carseat in tow.  
We took amazing pictures to throw business in the direction of an incredibly talented friend, and because it's been a couple years since we had photos done- and to capture some final moments of the two of us before we are a family of three.  

But I don't squee. I look for sales because tiny little things they'll outgrow in a few weeks shouldn't cost that much- and there are too many amazing, pre-loved and pre-worn things in the world already.  I stare in awe at how tiny the little human who will wear those clothes will be.  And I wonder in amazement at how fast a little being has grown to reach such a size from cells nestled in this body:  Proof, if ever I needed it, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  

I don't gush. I grouch because I haven't slept more than a couple hours at a time in months, and there is a part of me that knows that there are late nights and early mornings to come.  I will join the legion of those holding the office of the night watch as a daily marker of the rhythm of life and prayer.  

Nursery? Hah! How about the boxes still filling up the rest of the house because we moved 9 weeks ago, at the beginning of the adventure known as the third trimester? Without the hands of friends and family there would be so many more- and making space to invite in more friends and family so that we might share in gratitude and wonder makes more sense for us.  

So much is going to change, and I wish more people were okay with me not gushing about how hard pieces of this giant thing that comes in a tiny bundle are going to be- I wish there were more spaces where the realities of motherhood were spoken of- and embraced.  It's a magical time, yes- but to go without acknowledging that it is joy and pain- a beautiful beginning for our family of three and a bittersweet ending to the earliest chapter of our life together is to somehow reduce this miracle to something commonplace.  And that's not what I want at the end and at the beginning.  

No-Spend April

When I did my taxes last week and saw how much money I made in 2013, it was a number that surprised me. What surprised me even more was that, outside of what my W-2s spelled out as going to the government and what I paid in rent, church giving, and bills each month, I had a hard time identifying where that money had gone. 

Sure, I've made budgets before, but I seem to get away from them on a pretty regular basis. I've tried different systems, stayed away from Target, gone on numerous fabric and spending diets... But I still have a hard time with money. 

I'm going to try something a little different in April, and check my consumer impulses at the first of the month. It's a season of examination, and examining my blessings and (mis)use of them is part of that for me right now. There are so many people who do without and I've been doing a lot that hasn't been the best for me. Mindless trolling of the Internet and buying(and buying into) a lot of things that will "improve" my life. Things are band aids. The tangible cannot be used to change my core or bring me much(if any) lasting happiness. 

 I will make it my goal to spend $200 on food and personal needs outside of a pair of rainboots (that I planned to purchase already), purchases absolutely necessary for the wedding dress, and medical needs. I'll keep myself accountable here, and try to muse on the fruit of discovery that comes with this adventure. I'm hoping there will be lots of discovery and a much shorter to do list at the end of it. God has blessed me abundantly with a full pantry, an overly full fabric stash and craft closet, and a great city to explore. Hopefully I'll use them all. And evaluate what I really need in the future. 

Life After School

I still can't believe, that for the first time in my life, my primary occupation is something other than that of "student". When I filled out camp forms late in the Spring, with graduation looming, out of habit the occupation line read 'student' in my hurried scrawl, but I knew by the time camp rolled around it would change to 'barista'. Or 'nanny'. Or 'writer'. Depending upon the day.

Crazy. 

I don't regret the choice at all, as a matter of fact I relish the idea of, for likely the only time in my life, a job where I clock out and am off the clock in being a barista.  I love the kids I care for.  And in my writing and in the combination of all of these things, I have a chance to figure out what it is to be an adult.  

I have a chance to pursue my passions for writing and creating and it is exactly what the doctor ordered, especially coupled with the fact that there are facets in which I will be able to nurture people and be pastor, too, without it as a job title: I slowly discover the truth in the words of a mentor that, no matter where I am, God will have me living out my call. 

Above all, I am thrilled beyond measure that I get to re-discover and discover with greater depth God's awesomeness in my adventures this year, and God's hand in who I am and who I'm becoming... In the art coming from my heart and soul, in the movement and stillness, in the flurry of emotions that will surely beset me in the coming months. 

And God's pull toward my purpose is a strong one, and one I seek to follow more closely every day. This is a great journey, which, though it is a very figurative one in this moment, will hopefully (prayerfully, passionately, excitedly) become a very literal one in the coming months. 

I'm blessed to have the chance. 

A letter to my church: March 2013

Hey y’all, it’s me again.

I’ll be back in with you in print a few times, and back with you in person pretty soon, and I’m sure there are a lot of questions about why and how I’ve gone through the ordination process to get to this point. 

In 2010, when I applied to Seminary, I also formally began the process of seeking ordination in the Christian Church(Disciples of Christ) through the region of Georgia and this church.  So my sponsor from the congregation and long-time mentor, Bill Moore, wrote a letter, the board voted on me, and off I went to Columbia Seminary in Decatur, where I’ll finish up on May 18(which is creeping up faster than I thought it would!)

So, in the past 3 years, I’ve met 4 times with the Regional Commission on Ministry.  I’ve written papers, undergone interviews, and am now filling out search and call papers(Search and call is the process used to match pastors with churches.  My paperwork will be filed with the national office for when I am ready to enter the process) and meeting the final requirements for ordination.

It’ll be a whirlwind summer.  I’ll move off-campus after graduation, spend a week or two counseling camp, and continue to work in the coffee shop that’s taught me a lot about people this year.  I’ll be home again too, and I plan to spend as much time with y’all as I can manage. 

Can’t wait.  It’ll be a great summer!

Love,

Sarah

Journey to Ordination

This is a letter that has(or will soon) go to my church.  There will be a few like it as I complete the journey toward ordination, and I'd really like to share them with you now... As a way of tracing my journey for myself, and for my loved ones who don't get my church newsletter.

My dear church,

It’s crazy to think a month has passed since I got to preach for you about my call.

Now I want to tell you where it started.

If you’ve heard me preach, you know I hold a special place in my heart for Camp Christian.  I grew up counting down the days to Camp Christian every Summer, and to Youth Assembly at Epworth every winter.  These youth assemblies made God accessible to me and also put me in touch with people who’d influence my faith for the rest of my life. 

Camp is holy ground, where God comes close to earth, and we come so close to God, that we can hear one another.  I felt the truth in the love of God for me (Yes! Me!) the first time I went to camp.  There were people there who helped me sort out all of the things an 11-year old girl needs to sort out, and where it didn’t matter if I was part of the “in crowd”… I was a child of God and that was enough.  Over the years, the fact that I am a child of God took on deeper meaning and was felt more deeply at camp:  It’s the place where I first worked with youth as a Chi Rho counselor, and where I’ve watched those first youth grow up.  It’s where I did a lot of my growing too.

If you ever had any doubt about camp, set it aside.  It’ll change your life, whether you go as a camper or a counselor.  I truly believe that, with all my heart, because I experience it every time I go.  And even though I’m a counselor now, I might have to count down the days till I’m there again…

See you soon,

Sarah

Starting Again

In the new year, it seems to be the tendency of many to begin something new, or to pick up old hobbies/practices/diets.


There are pots of tea that wait for mugs and friends and conversation.
Blank composition notebooks waiting to be filled with thoughts, dreams, prayers, and worries.
By my bed, books of reflections and deovtions wait to be read and thought and prayed over.
There are sermons to write and preach.

My bike has been largely stationary, waiting to be a bike instead of a sculpture, since I fell off of it in March last year.
There are SEVERAL containers full of fabric and a much-neglected (although not as much recently) sewing machine that beckon me to act in creativity.
There are pots and pans and recipe cards that could all use a workout.
There's a gym membership that is waiting to be renewed.
Dance shoes that want to go on my feet and move me across a floor.

And, lest we forget, syllabi, books for class, papers, exams, committee meetings, and pile upon pile of paperwork that will cross my desk in the coming months.

And a (very cute) calender that I'm not sure will hold it all.

But, you know, so many of these things are soul-filling, and necessary.  There are things here that contribute so much to who I am and who God means for me to be, and I think that the power of a support system and the sanity saving of that calendar and those lovely to-do lists it'll happen.

And if it doesn't, life WILL go on.

Resolutions: A Redux and a look forward

Last year, I got specific in a big way in a journal entry that was several pages long, but I put it in a nutshell for you guys and I'll put the central kernel of that nutshell here for the whole world to see, once more:

"I want to end this year further down the path to who I am."

And you know (whoever YOU are), I think I did.
I think that it is inevitable to grow... But I like to think that I did lots of that this year.  Selfish of me, I know, but one's twenties are meant to be selfish.  Kyoko Escamilla had it right in the quote featured in this doodle.

And I want to be selfish, and build up the cocoon of this community to strengthen myself for what life is to look like:  I want to keep growing into who I am meant to be, and who God is forming me to be, in all of the messiness, the hope, the tears, the dancing, and the songs.

Can I get an Amen?

Lent and Looking to Holy Week

In many ways, some of my Lenten practices will not end on Easter Sunday... and I don't think I ever really intended for them to.

I have faithfully read a chapter a week of Practicing Our Faith…

Times of Yearning, Practices of Faith.

Honoring the Body.

Hospitality.

Household Economics.

And this week, Saying Yes and Saying No.

There are lots of chapters left, and, turning to Holy week, I find myself convicted in some practices and wanting to more fully delve into the discovery of others.  Sabbath’s importance has been realized on this Lenten journey, and I have learned that there are many miles left on the journey. But the thing that is important to me right now is that the journey has begun and I am convicted in it.  

These practices interweave… When you honor your body, there is a sense of extension into saying yes and saying no.  Practices of good faithful household economics mean we are able to extend hospitality, and that we are encouraged to consider how we care for our planet and ourselves… and we learn to say no to the excess and the things we do not need in our lives, and to say yes with our time and our money and our energy to the things that matter and that encourage hospitality and honoring the body.

This is an AMAZING book.  For individuals and for communities.  I highly encourage it.

Noise and Sounds

There is something to removing distractions… and, it’s funny how sometimes it takes something disciplined to bring out the need for disciplines.  I think that one of the lovely things about silence is that it is an effort these days, and one so very worth it.

I can’t say I have been as successful as I would like in making room for silence in my life these days- there are so many noises that seem to demand attention- right now- and I, all too often, listen.  Computers whir away, and keys click-clack.  Ads play on the radio.  I respond to the email or I play that game someone just challenged me to… I check a little screen again and again, and the noises keep coming.

Noise is not the only thing demanding my attention though, and for that I am infinitely grateful.  Sometimes, and gratefully more often than noise, it is sound… Laughter.  Prayer.  Affirmation.  Thoughts voiced.  Soft chatter of people talking, really talking, in the background of a coffee shop.   And, a favorite, to which I hope to drift off this evening, the sound of rain pit-patting on windows.


Sound is God's music of the world when we're not quite ready for silence, and I am thankful for it these days.

Practicing Our Faith

So, this book is a big part of my lent.
Introduced in the book are a series of practices... And they are all things that in some ways are taken for granted, and in some ways are disappearing from our culture.  I read the first edition in college with a Bible/book study and I don't know that I really got it or wanted to take the time to get it then.
Lo and behold, in searching for a book a while ago for a group study, I found edition number 2- with 2 new chapters and the same great premise.  There is a lot that is the same, because these are ancient Christian practices- and these things don't change.  There are additions- thoughts on how Creation and the care of self and care of the world is present in these practices, and how we integrate them in our lives.
   But... The best happy coincidence? There is a chapter for every week of Lent and Eastertide- so, from now to Pentecost.
14 weeks.
And, I think it'll be really good. I can get it more now than I did then, because I'm ready to do the work.

Resolutions...

Never too late.

More dedicated...
In prayer.
In journalling.
In creating.
In relationships.

More organized...
In my home.
My calendar.
My finances.


More confident...
In my skin.
My food choices.
My fitness level.


I want to end this year further down the path to who I am... I think I got too specific too soon with resolutions for where I'm at last year, so I'm going to try this approach.  I'll say more about each category as time passes and I make progress.

Advent at home

Black Friday shopping…

I understand the point of knocking it all out early, but taking away family time for those who work in retail… especially with the sales starting at midnight, even 10:00 on Thanksgiving day. 

I heard Christmas music playing already in many places, before Thanksgiving.

And now we have Small Business Saturday. 

Cyber Monday.

Constants.  Telling us to buy buy buy more. Why?

I just… want to get back to a sense that Christmas is about the Christ Child.  Advent- that month of getting ready that comes before Christmas, is supposed to be about preparation.  In our hearts, in our homes.  Not about gifts… especially not about stressing out over finding the time and money to buy all kinds of gifts and go into debt… So to remember that, Christmas in my home, the very first one of my own, is home-made this year. 

I’m not buying many things.  And when I buy things, you can be sure they will not be given alone, and very rarely be new.  Somehow, it just makes more sense to me to give from the heart- and for me, that’s with my hands.

Why so sane?

It's funny how when you take a step back and evaluate, you really will learn things.  

I re-ordered some priorities bigtime and I took a minute to check in with where I am and I made some changes so that I'd be okay with that place.

I left my church job.

I think it was time... school and family are supposed to come before work, and that wasn't the case consistently, so I left work that I brought home with me and that pushed against what I’m learning about priorities in favor of work that'll stay at work.  

You see, I start sitting for a little one once a week next Friday... her parents think she's too cool for her to be work that comes home with me.  They'll keep her.

And I’m being selfish.  I’m taking care of me because right now is the time for me to make those habits a part of me... If I can’t do it now, when I am learning and growing in my ministry and in who I am, when will I take the time to?

I'm eating good food.

I'm running, spinning, riding bikes, and will be throwing weights in the mix too.

Sleeping more, and more deeply.  

This is a time when I'll try to be intentional about taking care of me- and remembering I am a child of God and worthy of care...  I am so thankful for the ability to be surrounded by a community that keeps me honest on this stuff.  It's so good to learn and grow here.  So.  Good.  

Revisiting Resolutions

For some reason, back-to-school always makes me think of resolutions... It just seems like one of the times when we resolve things, I dunno... I decided to take a look back and see what I did and how far... or not... I've come. I've copied the resolutions from that post, and if my formatting works, you'll see new thoughts indented below the original resolution.


        Grow close again to God. Encourage the relationship, have a deeper prayer life.

• I feel, in some ways, much closer to God.  But I also feel like the intentionality has slipped some.  A relationship with God is like most others in that it takes conscious effort to maintain.  When you slip onto a place of comfort, it’s easy to forget to attend to the relationship, so I need to be more conscious of it again.  Maybe I’ll try to have 15 quiet/silent minutes a day.  My lifegroup is helpful too. 

           Get healthy. What I eat, what I drink, and workin’ on my fitness.

• Greek made fitness go down the drainhole.  A combination of Greek and stress made me drop about 10 pounds… I suspect some of it is muscle, and that I will regain it.  But it’s never good for someone my size to lose that much weight that quickly.

          Sew 3 things a month.

• Nope.  Hasn’t happened.  Not even close.  Is it going to happen?  Probably not… But I think I will be leaving my machine more accessible and less in-a-corner so that I can sew when I want to.  And I have ideas.  And things I’d like to do and work on, which are all good things. 

   Clothing Fast.  Don’t buy more than one thing a month.  Buy as little new as possible.

• Well, I went crazy for a bit, but I did well with this one for a good long while, and it made my bank account pretty happy.  I replaced some basics last month and got some hand-me-downs and free things to boost a professional wardrobe, but I should be in good shape to not buy things for a while now.

 This is partially a matter of making a budget and sticking to it... I'm a grown-up and I should start addressing my finances as such.

• Mint.com is a lifesaver here, folks.  I’ve made a budget and I’ve gotten closer and closer to sticking to it, month by month.  Undoing lots of bad habits is taking work, but I’m getting closer to having more go in than out.

 Be good to my home...

• I’m in nesting mode currently.  New apartment.  New wall art.  New furniture. I just need to be intentional about picking up after myself.

  Be better in my relationships. There are friends I owe letters and phone calls- thank you notes long overdue. I have lost touch with more people than I care to admit, and I want to rectify some of that. I also need to appreciate my friends and family now- have dedicated time with them in any way I can. Life and the people you live it with are precious.

• I left the commentary from last time to say I’ve gotten an bit better on that score, and need to do more of the same.  Where it’s happened I’ve loved it!

  Be good to my education. Short version: Less time on facebook, more time hitting the books. This is treasured time. I need to embrace that.

• Yes.  Doing well.  Greek gave me some tools.  And Stayfocused, the Google Chrome app, is awesome.

     Be an asset to my church. This new position is a Seminary dream job, and I need to live up to that.

• They say you can’t make changes for a while, and I’m learning lots and starting to change things bit-by-bit.  It’s going well!

Long post, but I think you get the drift.  Time to be intentional again, friends.

Back to goals.

It’s time for me to get back to goals… I did well through February setting and sticking to them, and something happened in the month of March that just… disenchanted me from being able to stick with it. March brought Lent and some focusing on other things with the church, and then before I knew it April was gone too without a real goals post. So, seeing as how it’s almost May, I think I’ll pick up again there.

I am really intent on finishing the schoolyear well, so I think my first goal will be to not stress-eat. The amount of chocolate I’ve consumed lately is reaching larger and larger portions… and while sick, I didn’t do so hot with the healthy eating in general or the working out. Tomorrow marks the return to Spin Class, and I think I am getting back to some healthier eating practices already. Here’s to continuing that trend… And the dancing.

I think sewing consistently is the next thing… My total count for the year in garments is 6, or 8 if you count accessories, so getting back to 3 a month would be good. There are some quick fixes I need to do too…

Budgeting will be the other big thing for the month of May… Both May and June will be expensive months for gas and spending in general with trips, so keeping myself in line with my spending elsewhere would be a really good start. It looks like I will be paying regular, big girl bills starting in June, and doing that budgeting would be really great too. It’s all about being conscious of using what you buy, and only buying what you will use… At least, I am trying to be better about seeing it that way.

Sticking with my current spiritual practices would be really good too… But I want to develop more as well. I think it’s really going to be a challenge to do self-care well next year while working at a church, so I want to establish those practices now. Make them habits that stick.

Oh well. Right now, I need to go get everything together for class tonight!

We are small. God is good.

Yesterday was a long day, but I learned some very important things. Like where I can and can't get work done. And that limits exist for good reason, and although I have come far with time management, I still have FAR to go.

But that's not what I wanted to tell you about.

Yesterday, while frantically trying to get through the list of tasks that never seems to end, I found that we are small, and actions can speak SO much louder than words at times. It's Holy Week. A hug made a big difference. And chocolate made a difference, bigtime.

But as I was writing the sermon I am preaching tonight, I was a bit of a me-monster, and got very bent out of shape about something that, in the grand scheme of things, is small potatoes. It took something completely small and kind of rediculous- getting sprinkled on while on the way to my apartment- to remind me that I am but a brushstroke. I'm just someone continuing this magical tradition of sharing the word of God with God's people, and my job in that right now is to get out of God's way.

God is good. God sends us those reminders when we are close to tears or already crying, and good things come out of what God gives us to say... But not when we don't listen. And to listen, sometimes we just have to be still... let the starch go out of our spines and sit and eat with friends instead of wolfing down food by ourselves... God loves us and cares for us, but there's only so much God can do if we aren't willing to love ourselves and our neighbors.

Sermon in 7 hours, class in... oh, 1 and a half?

I should get some work done, I just thought I'd share.

Lenten resolutions

I gave up bad self-care for Lent.

If you know me, reader, you'll laugh and ask... well how's THAT going for you?

My response?

I'm doing okay... I said the NO- word... to a commitment I couldn't honestly fufill instead of trying to make it work. I'm working out at least twice a week... Spin class hurts so good, but I am already feeling better about my body and seeing improvement. Dancing once a week has given me a lovely way to get active off-campus, and I've made a garment a week so far during Lent.

Praying has happened more, and I am reading along in the Bible study that the church has encouraged for Lenten devotions. As I explore the weirdness thing that is finding a calling, and how to live life as me while pursuing it, I'm trying to be faithful in discerning and it's not always easy. I'm frustrated more than I admit... and I think I'd really be going crazy without the support system I've been able to build here... I am rethinking more and more how I am in relationships, romantic and otherwise...I have an unfortunate tendency to be a hermit if not careful And about how I care for myself. Which is, I think, inter-related.

This resolution of mine will get a real trial-by-fire in the week to come. I have a camp planning session tomorrow, a project for class due Monday and a sermon Wednesday, the day I am also giving blood. Then I have a week and a half before I preach again, and I think an exegesis paper shortly after that second sermon.

Ah, it's the life... off to errands and babysitting.

Happy?

I am not happy with what my life looks like right now.

It's not a bad thing... it's just there. A friend of mine from college has done a very brave thing in being quite frank and honest about how she feels about her life right now, and she's doing the same thing I am, just in a very different way. She's in a different seminary, but doing much the same things I am... I feel like we could be in the same place and talk shop much of the time.

You see, Seminary is really good about taking everything you thought you knew about God and calling and your calling and your basic beliefs and turning it on its head. Everyone I've had a serious conversation with agrees that we all go through it, but they speak of it with some fondness.... and I guess if this time of struggle makes my faith as rock-solid as theirs is, I'll look back on it with fondness one day too.

Routine is the only thing that kept me sane last semester, and the group of friends I have made here have been a lifeline of sorts. If I didn't have a good idea of what was coming next in life, I don't know what I would have done. This group of friends, too... oh my gosh. I really don't think I would have survived the first semester.

Okay... As good as it is to mope sometimes, I feel like I have done SO much moping lately, and sometimes it's great to act.

So I thought I could try to make a few changes... If I can get the motivation, it'll be awesome to see the change really happening in my life... NOT going through the motions, but real, positive change. I want a better relationship with God, but I haven't done much in the way of really trying to make positive changes in my habits to enable a healthier relationship with God. Today I got up and had 3 minutes of prayer before I got out of bed... baby steps, right?

I want more productivity in my days, and I want to make better choices about fitness, and how I eat... I know, skinny girls talking about weight, so last week... but I could be healthier. And it's not about weight. It's about energy. Joi de vivre, life as it's intended to be lived. I want to be able to do everything I set out to without thinking about physical limitations. If there's a chance that working out will get rid of some of this...ick... then I'll take it. The problem here? Making time. A friend made the observation that "grown-ups" get up early to work out because there doesn't seem to be any other time, and it's probably true!

Wow. This has gotten long. Alright. More later.

This week, I am going to try new things... Go to bed

We finally have pretty, not chilly weather. It's making my heart happy.

This week is a break between J-Term and regular classes. Also heart-happiness there.

But... I have butterflies too.

I found out last week that I'll be going before the Commission on Ministry next week... For you non-church folk, this is the board that tracks my progress toward ordination through Seminary and helps to guide me along the process toward ordination. They are the people who will eventually decide when I get to be ordained, so it's a pretty big deal to have their affirmation.

This week, I am writing a paper for the commission on my sense of call and my intentions for ministry. It seems strange to sum up where I've been and where I'm going in 3-5 pages, but at the same time, it'll be good to reflect and see what I learn about myself in the process.

Maybe I'll share part of it here... I guess we'll see.

Right now I'm off to track down transportation and potentially a friend to walk some puppies... well, dogs. They are probably doing the potty dance so I am going to sign off.

Progress report and month-in-review next week.

Today is day 2 of being snowed in for the city of Atlanta, and it has been a glorious 2 days of doing... nothing. That's right. A lot of sitting around, watching movies and seasons of awesome shows, being with friends, drinking warm things, cooking pasta, and, well, generally being pretty lazy.

It was really nice to follow up my time with close to 250 youth with a spell of sitting. Nice to be able to take it all in, and just be proud of how awesome the accomplishments of the Youth Activity Council and regional staff were for encouraging so many young people to "Broadcast YOUR Faith" and "Turn It Up"... the themes of the weekend. So many amazing stories out of some truly amazing young people. Even cooler? I saw a handful of the people I went to the same

event with when I was a teenager, and adults who mentored us. Crazy.

I was blessed to lead a small group and one of the challenges listed in the curriculum was asking the question- in 160 characters or less(the length of a standard text message) how would you tell your faith story, or share your faith? Their answers were profound. Seriously amazing. I don't know how kosher it would be to post their responses here, but man, am I proud to have shared them within our small group.

So... Could you do it? Tell someone about your faith in 160 charachters or less? Wanna share?